Down with the metric system! No more foreign rulers!
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Why did the scarecrow get a trophy?
He was outstanding in his field.
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What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink?
WAHHTAAAAA!
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What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Bison
(Thanks Antonia!)
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Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”
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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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Two whales walk into a bar.
The first whale says to the other, “WOOOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”
The second whale says, “Shut up Steve, you’re drunk.”
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“A baby seal walks into a bar…”
It’s only clean if you don’t think about it.
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.
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A higgs-boson particle walks up to a Catholic church.
The priest stops him at the door and says “I’m sorry, you can’t participate in our service today.”
The higgs-boson particle says “What?! You can’t have mass without me!”
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Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe.
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What do you do if you’re attacked by a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one says, “I’ll have a beer please.” and the second one says, “I’ll have half of what he’s having.” The third one says, “I’ll have a fourth of a beer.” The fourth one says, “I’ll have an eighth of a beer.” The bartender says, “Oh, screw you all” and pulls out two beers.
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Q: What did the buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
A: “Make me one with everything.”
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A photon checks into an hotel and is asked if help is needed for his luggage.
He says, no, I’m traveling light.
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All the fish were dying.. it was an act of cod
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It was raining dogs and cats… i accidentally stepped into a poodle
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New broom that came out – sweeping the nation
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my computer sings – its a dell
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try on my reversible jacket – can’t wait to see how it turns out
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gay jokes arnt funny – come on guys
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thieves stole my soap yesterday – dirty bastards
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Mexican serial killer – he had loco motives
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used to be addicted to soap – im clean
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lesbian neighbors cant afford a double ended dildo – they are struggling to make ends meets
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why coudnt the bike stand up on – it was too tired
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got a job cutting cans – its so depressing
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Why couldn’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his friend?
They were both cauldron.
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What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow?
Reality
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How does Moses make tea?
Hebrews it
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Hey! This parking is for frogs only. All others will be toad
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I went to check out the air and space museum. Nothing was there. (TY Linds!)